From our "You've been off the line for a while, haven't you?" file... Shortly after boarding a United Airlines flight from Denver to Phoenix, I listened to the following exchange over the ATC channel of the plane's audio system after pushing back from the gate: Denver Ground: "United xxx, the good news is you are clear to taxi to Runway 16." United xxx: "Uhh, thanks ... but what's the bad news?" Denver Ground: "I don't have any bad news right now but the sooner you get going the less chance there will be of my finding any."

Peoria, Ill., 1990. Thunderstorms south of the airport... PIA: "TWA xxx, how's the ride?" TWA xxx: "It's rougher than burlap underwear up here." PIA, after a short pause to catch a breath: "Would you classify that as light, moderate, or severe chafing?"

From our "Eye of the beholder" file... The student pilot was too high on his approach so he decided to use a slip to lose some extra altitude. But, being not very experienced, the maneuver lacked somewhat in effectiveness. The instructor, a bit surprised seeing such execution, asked his student, "What was that?!" The student, a bit embarrassed by the tone in the instructor's voice, responded, "Well, it was a slip...." The instructor, unconvinced, responded, "No, that wasn't a slip, it was an intentional loss of control."

It was a foggy, busy "rush-hour" morning at LaGuardia. A US Air flight was taxiing to the active when they made a wrong turn and came nose-to-nose with a United 727. The irate ground controller (a woman) lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming and shouting on the ground control frequency. She ended her tirade with, "You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about a half hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you. You got that, US Air?" The humbled crew responded: "Yes Ma'am." The frequency went terribly silent, and no one wanted to engage the irate ground controller in her current state. Finally, after what appeared to be an eternity, an unknown captain from another airline, came up on the frequency. "Wasn't I married to you, once?" he asked.

From our "Is it fixed yet?" file... After about an hour of ground school on aircraft systems and what instruments would be affected by various failures, the student began a thorough pre-flight inspection before embarking on her first bout with "partial-panel" work. As the student buckled herself into the left seat, the instructor said, "Hmmm, I wonder what's going to fail first?" The student thought for a millisecond before replying, "Uhhh, the pilot?"

From our "Walking and chewing gum" file... Approach: UPS XXX, expedite descent through four thousand and slow to one-seventy knots. UPS XXX: UPS XXX can slow or descend, but not at the same time. Approach: Did you just make that up or did you win that in your last contract? UPS XXX: UPS XXX slowing and descending!

Back in the days before altitude alerters were mandatory, but with altitude reporting installed, a crew was climbing their BAC 1-11 up to an assigned altitude of 17,000 feet. At about 17,700 feet, the pilot flying noticed the inadvertent altitude bust and started back down towards 17,000. Just as he was getting ready to level off, ATC called: "NXXXXX, say your altitude." The fast-thinking captain replied, "Just passing through 17,000." Whereupon the faster-thinking controller asked, "Which way?"

Approaching Philadelphia some years ago, Approach Control warned me of geese in my area. My not-so-smart question was, "How can you tell?" The controller's smarter answer? "They're squawking."

From our "cause and effect" file... NOTAM received one winter night at Boston ARTCC: "3B1 (Greenville ME) rwy 14-32 BRAN nil rptd by vehicle" NOTAM received 10 seconds later: "3B1 arpt clsd due vehicle accident 14-32"

On a recent trip from BJC to CMA in the Salt Lake Center's airspace, center was trying to raise Delta Air Lines flight xxx: ZSL (numerous times): "Delta xxx, Salt Lake Center..." Finally, Delta xxx answered: "Salt Lake, Delta xxx. Sorry about that. We were in the back watching the movie." Unknown: "What's playin'?" Delta xxx: "Lost in space."

This happened in 1979. I was working the ground control position at Patrick AFB, Fla. A flight of two A-4s was parked on the north ramp, preparing to return to Navy JAX. Lead checked in and requested his clearance be put on request. I said, "Clearance on request and monitor ATIS 273.5 prior to taxi." When the flight was ready to taxi he said, "We tried contacting ATIS but couldn't get a word in edgewise."

From our "Where do you want to be today?" file... As I was taxiing at Penticton airport in British Columbia I overheard the following: C-Gxxx: "Request taxi clearance to Kelowna." Ground: "Cessna Gxxx, we would prefer if you flew there." C-Gxxx: "Then we would request taxi clearance to the active."

From our "We aim to please" file: While in the traffic pattern practicing touch and goes at Brown Airport in San Diego, a student requested the option from the tower controller. Her response: "Sure. Which option would you like?"

This is job dedication... Late one dark and cloudy night I was flying northward across central California. As Bakersfield Approach handed me back to LA Center the controller said, "You are about to leave my airspace and the known world."

From our "the devil made me do it" file... "It is not necessarily impossible for human beings to fly, but it so happens that God didn't give them the knowledge of how to do it. It follows therefore, that anyone who claims he can fly must have sought the aid of the devil. To attempt to fly is therefore sinful." -- Roger Bacon, a 13th-century philosopher

From our "can you tell us more" file: Seen on an aircraft insurance quote request: "Description of loss: Hard landing caused by altitude change."

From our "eye of the beholder" file... Last Friday I had the pleasure of taking a co-worker for a ride in a Cessna 152 after a very long workweek. She had never flown in a general aviation aircraft before, was curious about everything, and made some interesting observations that those of us who are around light planes regularly don't think about any more. I made my way through the preflight inspection, called "Clear!" and the engine growled to life. "Sounds like a lawn mower," my companion observed. She obviously mistook my look of interest in her perspective as one of being insulted. "Well, a big one," she said.

My friend, an ex-Marine Aviator, wanted to show off his new twin-engine plane. I was riding along as he put it through its paces. Suddenly, we were caught in a violent thunderstorm, with lightning crashing all around us. Next, we lost the radio and most of the instruments. As we were being tossed around in the sky, George said, "Uh-oh!" Fearing the worst, I asked, "What's wrong now?" George replied, "I got the hiccups. Do something to scare me."

Apparently, an owner of an Aztec in Africa had an engine problem in some rather remote location and was considering trying to take off and fly the airplane on one engine to a maintenance base. The message he sent to Piper's engineering department ended with the question, "How long will it take to take off on one engine?" This request for information made its rounds within engineering until it got to the Aztec project engineer who replied, "Ask him if he wants that in miles or months."

A Delta Air Lines jet was traversing Arizona on a clear day. The copilot was bombarding passengers with remarks about landmarks over the PA system. "Coming up on the right side of our cabin, you can see Meteor Crater. A major tourist attraction in northern Arizona, it was formed when a lump of nickel and iron weighing 300,000 tons, 150 feet across, struck the earth at 40,000 miles an hour, scattering white-hot debris for miles in every direction. The hole measures nearly a mile across and is 570 feet deep." From the cabin, a passenger was heard to exclaim: "Wow! It just missed the highway!"

From our Bonanza-envy file... A Bonanza landed at my home airport some years ago with the leading edge of the left wing bashed in from hitting a goose in flight. A remark from a Cessna driver was overheard: "If he'd been flying a high-wing airplane, he'd have missed it."

From our "we can only afford one landing today" file... While trying to work touch-and-goes with a student in the traffic pattern at Daggett Airport, we were acutely aware of a pair of regional airline Fokker jets practicing the VOR approach to an intersecting runway. Each time they executed a missed approach, but we would hold short just in case they landed. Finally, I keyed the mic and asked them if they were ever going to land. Their curt response: "Negative, the company said they don't mind buying the gas, but we have to buy our own tires."

 Seen in an FAA Air Traffic Controllers publication about 15 years ago: ATCT: Bonanza 1234 cleared to land Runway 15; be advised the REIL lights are out of service. Bonanza 1234: Roger, cleared to land; are the artificial lights working?

From our "Are you sure you've done this before?" file... The weather was dropping rapidly and DCA (Washington National) was the only field still VFR, so they got a flood of diversions. Then they went from 2,000/5 to 600/1, so it was a scramble to get everyone on the ILS. One pilot didn't seem very familiar with the concept of the ILS, which resulted in the following exchange: DCA TRACON: Nxxx, turn to 020 to intercept the localizer; you went right through it. Nxxx: Roger. DCA TRACON: Nxxx, do you have an ILS receiver? Nxxx: Roger. DCA TRACON: Is it turned on?

Heard on the frequency while going into Newark, N.J. (EWR) a while back: Big jet: "Left to 120, and if it helps we've got the field." NY TRACON: "Roger. Let me know when you get the other 12 guys ahead of you in sight."

From our "you can't get there from here" file The weather in Oregon has been seasonal. Rain for days, and now snow starting yesterday. Freezing down to 2000 feet. I'm based at the Illinois Valley Airport (3S4), Cave Junction, Ore., surrounded by the beautiful Siskiyou Mountains. I've been waiting to ferry a PA-32 to southern California. Yesterday morning I called Flight Service, and asked for an outlook briefing to get over the Siskiyous southbound. The FSS Specialist asked, "and what month are you planning to depart?" There's still a few good guys left, at least in Flight Service!

From our "We really mean it this time..." file: This happened at the Boston ARTCC where I work. The controller noticed that an air carrier jet was not going to make the 11,000-foot crossing restriction that is required by Providence Approach. As the controller was issuing the "expedite" clearance to get him down, he noticed the jet also had head-on traffic at 15,000. His clearance went like this: "Flight XXX, expedite your descent to 11,000, but REALLY expedite through 14,000." "We have your request..." Airline captain to clearance delivery: "xxx1184 to BOS, and we're a DC9 today." Clearance delivery: "Roger cleared to BOS via ... and we'll change the B737 to a DC9." Unidentified pilot: "Clearance, while you're at it, could you change this PA28 to a Learjet?"

It's all in your point of view: On the Friday after Thanksgiving it was very foggy in Billings, Montana. The RVR was between 800 and 1,400 feet all morning. Delta, NWA and UAL flights were waiting for departure and on-frequency requesting frequent updates about the RVR and the overall weather picture. One captain asked if any dramatic improvement was expected. I responded, "I don't think the weather's going to change much, but I expect a dramatic improvement in about an hour ... when my shift ends."

THE TWELVE (Flying) DAYS OF CHRISTMAS On the first day of Christmas, my C-F-I gave to me... A regulation 91.3; A two-hour preflight; Three full stalls; Four short approaches; FIVE FORCED LANDINGS! Six flights computing; Seven route re-thinkings; Eight in-flight briefings; Nine charts a-folding; Ten minutes holding; Eleven towers talking; and, Twelve-hundred squawking.

From our "local procedures" file: At Victoria we have a reporting point, a hotel, which is called "The Waddling Dog". One day recently, an American pilot called the tower, reporting, "Bonanza 4567Y, Discovery Island, landing." The tower controller responded, "Roger 67Y, call the Waddling Dog on 119.7 for left base 09." The American acknowledged with, "Roger that, and, uh, we're over the nudist colony at this time." The controller, completely taken in, said, "WHERE IS THAT?" "You first," the American laconically responded.

From our "tell it like it is" file... I'm a corporate pilot with a large interest in warbirds and antiques. On a recent flight into Wharton, Texas, I asked the senior gentleman at the FBO if there were any antiques or warbirds on the field. He smiled and quickly replied ... "Just me!" This exchange took place shortly after this year's Edwards AFB airshow. Controller to F-117 stealth fighter: "Traffic is an F-16, two o'clock, 13 miles, southbound, climbing thru 6,000." F-117 pilot: "Acquired and tracking..." Controller to F-16: "Traffic is an F-117, two o'oclock, 12 miles, opposite direction, level 5." F-16 pilot: "Roger, tracking..." F-117 pilot (without missing a beat and in a monotone): "Bull."

This week's Short Final comes courtesy of the BBC: "Israeli premier Ehud Barak escaped unhurt when a jet carrying him and his party was in collision with a baggage truck on the tarmac at Manchester airport. The Israeli Air Force Boeing 707 was maneuvering during a refueling stop when the accident happened late on Thursday night. "Mr. Barak's senior policy adviser, Danny Yatom said: 'It is good that it happened on the ground and not in the air.'"

A friend of mine works for Mesaba and relates a radio call he heard at MSP. A female Northwest Airlines cockpit crewmember had called several times for push-back clearance, and after receiving the okay, called back and canceled. Her last request went something like this: NW123: Ground control, NW123 ready for push back, again. Ground Control: Are you sure? NW123: Well, I am a female and can change my mind at any moment. Ground Control (laughing): Cleared to push back.

From our "is it soup yet?" file... NY Center: USAir 312, what is your ride like? USAir 312: Oh man, I got whitecaps in my coffee! NY Center: American 435, what's your ride like? American 435: Dunno, we haven't been fed yet...

From our "on the gauges" file... I had stopped my car at a red light and was waiting for the signal to change when I noticed a person crossing on the green and reading a book at the same time. Halfway across the street, the pedestrian walked right into another automobile that had stopped too far into the crosswalk. Startled but not hurt, he closed his "Instrument Flying Handbook" and then walked around the car.

From our "unanswerable questions" file... This (reportedly) really happened at a nontowered airport in Northern California. The pilot of a Cessna 180 on amphibious floats, en route from Kentucky to Alaska, called for an airport advisory, and the Unicom operator issued the following: "Wind calm. No reported traffic. Use runway 32 or 14, your choice." The 180 pilot replied, "Which runway is longer?"

From our "Euphemisms for TCAS" file: On the final leg of a trip from Chicago to Ohio University, KUNI, I turned south in my C172 over APE VOR and shortly thereafter heard Columbus Approach call a bizjet at 8000 inbound to CMH: Approach: "Bizjet 123, traffic one o'clock, 7000, a Cessna 172 southbound." Bizjet 123: "Roger, we got him on The Discovery Channel." Approach: "Cessna 89L, traffic eleven o'clock, 8000, a bizjet." Cessna 89L: "Negative contact, but then we don't have The Discovery Channel." With no hesitation at all, the bizjet pilot keyed his mic and said -- in the slowest, deepest, most deliberate announcer-like voice he could muster -- "CALL YOUR CABLE OPERATOR."

I'm a flight instructor, and was teaching a brand new student how to taxi the airplane. On initial call-up, I said, "Ground, Nxxx with ATIS, ready to taxi to active, will be doing taxi practice." The controller suggested we taxi all the way down to the inactive area, but that was more than we wanted, so I said, "No thanks, we're ready to taxi to the active ... I just wanted to warn you that we may be slow and crooked." ATC's comeback: "Well, why don't you just let the student taxi?"

From our "student pilots say the darnedest things" file... Instructor (briefing student for his first dual cross-country): "What would you do if I fell unconscious halfway through the trip?" Student: "Uh, let's see ... complete the flight, and log it as half dual and half solo?"

he scene: A rare quiet time at the Prescott, Ariz., airport. A nicely waxed Cessna 150 with its original factory paint job is taxiing out for takeoff behind a beautifully painted Kitfox. Ground Control: "Kitfox 1234, Prescott Ground. Nice stripes on your left wing." Kitfox: "Prescott Ground, Kitfox 1234. Thanks, it was my wife's idea." Cessna 150: "Uh, Prescott Ground, Cessna 5678. Any kind words about my 30-year-old paint job? I'm feeling just a little neglected down here." Ground Control: "Cessna 5678, Prescott Ground. That sure is a nice 30- year-old paint job, sir." Cessna 150: "Prescott Ground, Cessna 5678. Thanks, it was my wife's idea."

Several times a week I drive by the Aurora, Ill., airport with one or both of my twin daughters. On one night as we drove by fairly late, my daughter Jaime noticed that the runway lights were on. "Dad," she said, "I thought you said the airport was closed at night." I was surprised at her notice of that bit of trivia, and answered, "Yes, that's right, it closed about an hour ago." "Then why are the lights still on?" she queried. I explained that the airport was equipped with pilot-controlled lighting, and that if the pilot clicks the mic button a few times in quick succession, the lights come on. Jaime digested this information for a moment, and then asked, "Is that like a 'Clapper' for old pilots?"

From our "now that you mention it" file... I took my nine-year-old to the airport to see my flight instructor's Waco. Being the sharp future aviator that he is, my son examined the classic open-cockpit biplane from spinner to tailwheel, and then asked, "Dad, is the Waco IFR-rated?" "Sure, son," I replied, "you can fly a Waco IFR." He digested that for a few moments with a puzzled expression, then followed up with this stumper: "Well, when you fly it IFR, how do you keep the clouds out of your mouth?"

I am a flight instructor at a large flight school where my girlfriend is a student. She is preparing for her private checkride, so every once in a while I quiz her. She was having difficulty remembering when a pilot needs a complex endorsement, a high-performance endorsement, and a type rating. I asked her if I could be a copilot on a Boeing 747. She looked at me with a puzzled expression and said, "Let's see ... ummm ... how many horsepower does it have?"

Sometimes pilots need to consult a higher authority: It's the day of my first solo flight, and the only member of my family who could show up to watch is my grandmother. Gramma is no stranger to aviation -- her first husband was a B-26 pilot who was shot down in WWII. So I'm out doing my solo, and Gramma is on the porch at the flight school, surrounded by all the CFIs and students. The crowd on the porch is discussing whether or not the weather is going to stay good enough for cross-country flying, as there are many towering cumulus clouds building. They'd consulted the NEXRAD in the school's weather room. They'd called the FSS. They'd solicited PIREPs from returning pilots. Gramma, hearing all this, decides to put her opinion into the mix. "It's not going to rain," she announces. "My bones aren't hurting." Whereupon all the pilots on the porch immediately decide to go flying.

From our "how to pass the time on those long cross-countries" file... An RV-6 owner attended a breakfast fly-in, and put the airplane on the static display line. A three-year-old hopped up on the wing, pointed to the yoke-mounted Lowrance AirMap 300 handheld GPS, and said: "Look, Ma ... he's got a Gameboy!"

Sometimes it pays to know the local fixes, as this reader relates. When departing Oakland, Calif., last week I asked the controller for the "bay tour," a flight over the bay, the Golden Gate Bridge, etc. I was instructed to "fly over and follow the Nimitz." After two calls from controllers to again follow the Nimitz, I confessed that I couldn't find the Nimitz. The controller responded that the Nimitz Freeway was off my right wing. That explained it: I had been looking for the aircraft carrier.

We had just completed a flight in a commercial airliner from Chicago to Cedar Rapids, Iowa. The aircraft had taxied to the gate and the engines shut down. Everyone in the now-quiet aircraft was waiting for the seatbelt light to extinguish when my 4-year-old brother's voice called out, "But, Dad! We didn't drop any bombs!"

When told that his mother had just soloed a sailplane, our son's impertinent reply was, "I knew she was taking lessons, but I didn't think she was learning anything."

Please unsubscribe AVweb and AVflash for this email address, as the pilot left the copilot/navigator for his silicone-enhanced, bleached-blonde ex-wife who has no interest whatsoever in flying. Go figure!!!

When even your best isn't good enough: I was demonstrating an ILS to a former Private Pilot student while my wife was in the back seat. For once, thanks to calm air, I nailed it perfectly. The only instrument with a moving needle on the entire panel was the altimeter. My wife asked what was guiding me to the runway. I pointed to the CDI and GS needles and told her how I get lateral and vertical guidance from them. "How can you get any guidance from those?" she asked, obviously puzzled. "They're not moving!"

From our "I think she's coming around" file: Being a relatively new pilot, I've always been very enthusiastic and felt that my wife may have been growing weary of all the "pilot talk." However, it was a gorgeous fall day, a perfect opportunity for the "$100 hamburger," so at her suggestion, we headed out enjoying beautiful foliage scenery all the way. As we dined at the restaurant, we were suddenly visited by a persistent fly that seemed intent on staying for the full meal. After swatting at it a time or two, I could no longer see it when my wife informed me: "Honey, I think he departed the pattern to the north."

Approach: Beech 998, you're showing two thousand feet and intermittent Mode C. Say altitude. Beech 998: Beech 998 is intermittently at two thousand feet.

A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known position?" "When I was number one for takeoff," replied the student.

After a particularly lousy landing made from the right seat of a commercial airliner, that FO heard the Captain announce "Ladies and gentlemen, XXX Airlines wishes to apologize for that rough landing provided today by our First Officer." Some months later the same crew was together and, sure enough, the Captain made an even worse one. The First Officer immediately jumped on the intercom, announcing "Ladies and Gentlemen, XXX Airlines wishes to apologize for that rough landing provided today by our Captain." The Captain turned angrily to his FO. "What did you say that for?" "Remember a couple of months back when you did that to me?" the First Officer replied. "Now we're even!" "But I never keyed the mike!" protested the Captain.

FSS Briefer: "Threshold of runway 28 is displaced 277 feet." Pilot: "It that MSL or AGL?" Student pilot to irate instructor: "You're simply impossible to satisfy. I

 just finished navigating successfully through a boiling fluid swirling around a rotating sphere that is hurtling around a fusion reaction source at thousands of miles per hour. This system is moving in a circular motion around a black hole at who knows what speed, while the space it takes up is expanding. And then I bounced the landing six inches. SIX MEASLY INCHES! Get off my freakin' back!"

Courtesy of "Saturday Night Live": The NTSB has determined that a frayed wire caused the spark that ignited vapors in the TWA 800 fuel tank. The wire became frayed when it was hit by a missile...

Comment in the New York Times editorial page of December 10, 1903... just one week before the successful flight at Kitty Hawk by the Wright brothers: "...We hope that Professor Langley will not put his substantial greatness as a scientist in further peril by continuing to waste his time and the money involved in further airship experiments. Life is short, and he is capable of services to humanity incomparably greater than can be expected to result from trying to fly. ...

For students and investigators of the Langley type, there are more useful employments." At a recent software engineering management course in the U.S., the participants were given an awkward question to answer. "If you had just boarded an airliner and discovered that your team of programmers had been responsible for the flight control software, how many of you would disembark immediately?" Among the ensuing forest of raised hands, only one man sat motionless. When asked what he would do, he replied that he would be quite content to stay onboard. With his team's software, he said, the plane was unlikely to even taxi as far as the runway, let alone take off.

A 70 year old very experienced flight instructor had to go to a "New" FAA medical examiner since he had outlived the previous AME. Try as he would the "rookie" AME could find no medical faults with the wise old silver haired flight instructor..except for a slightly red eye. Inquiring into this problem the AME asked how long the eye had been red, and did it hurt, etc. "It has been red for 2 weeks, but much better now, and it never hurts when I fly." "I understand, but have you ever had a purulent (pus) discharge"? "Not me Doc, I'm flat footed and was always 4-F."

The venerable Cessna 152 POH recommends testing the stall warning horn by placing a clean cloth over the stall vent and drawing a vacuum. When an instructor asked a student at our club how to test the stall warning horn, he replied "place your mouth over the wing stall vent and suck hard till the siren goes off." The instructor then asked, "What would you do if the vent was full of bugs and such?" The student pondered for a moment and then replied, "Ask the instructor to place his mouth over the wing stall vent and suck hard till the siren goes off..."

The student pilot was midway through the oral portion of his Private practical test. After reviewing his pre-flight planning, the examiner pointed out that the Weight & Balance figures showed that the airplane would be 50 pounds over max gross. "What can you do about that?" asked the examiner. "First, I would have my passengers take off their clothes," suggested the applicant. "If that were not enough, I'd drain a gallon of oil from the engine. Finally, I'd remove 12 pounds of air from each tire..."

During a heavy traffic period, a pilot comes on Center frequency, speaking in slow Texas drawl: "Good afternoon Houston Center, King Air 12345 checkin' in with ya'll, VFR at eighteen-five." (long pause) "Ah, King Air 12345, sir, you can't be VFR at eighteen-five." (shorter pause) "Sure we can, Center. We're flyin' a Super King Air!"

Pilot: Request a flightlevel between FL210 and FL250 ATC: Roger, you can have either 230 or 250...which would you like? Pilot: Affirmative. ATC: Affirmative what? Pilot: Affirmative...SIR?

Overheard at O'Hare: Cessna 152 pilot with obvious French accent: "Center, I would like a vector back home". Unidentified commuter pilot: "Heading 090, 2000 miles".

From our "Hey supe, can I go home now?" file... Overworked air traffic controller responding to the disoriented student pilot of a single-engine Cessna calling on 121.5 MHz on a busy Saturday: "Lost aircraft, say position."

From the Spoonerism section of our We-Dare-You-To-Say-That-Twice file... Controller pointing out floatplane traffic to an IFR aircraft: "Traffic at your two o'clock is a phone on plates."

An excerpt from the Canada Flight Supplement (equivalent to the US A/FD): LONDON, ONTARIO SERVICES... CFR - 5 1130-03 30Z, O/T 2 hrs PNR Decoded: Crash, fire and rescue services: level 5. Available 1130Z to 0330Z; other times 2 hours prior notice required. Let's try to keep that in mind next time we're planning to crash there.

Overhead in London TMA... ATC: N12345, descend to 3,000' on QNH 1019. N12345: Could you give that to me in inches? ATC: N12345, descend to 36,000 inches on QNH 1019!

And here they come again! Yet another installment of the "Squawk List".

Problem: Lower Rotating Beacon half-full of water.

Solution: Lower Rotating Beacon topped off.

Problem: Approximately 2 each wires in bundle burned.

Solution: Removed and replaced between 1 and 3 wires.

Problem: No 2 engine oil overserviced.

Solution: No 2 engine oil under-overserviced.

Problem: Aircraft climbs like its tired.

Solution: Aircraft rested overnight. Ground checks OK.

The beguiling ideas about science quoted here were supposedly gleaned from essays, exams, and classroom discussions. Most were from 5th and 6th graders. Some seem to apply to the art of flight... -

The law of gravity says no fair jumping up without coming back down.

Clouds are high flying fogs. - I am not sure how clouds get formed. But the clouds know how to do it, and that is the important thing.

Water vapor gets together in a cloud. When it is big enough to be called a drop, it does.

Humidity is the experience of looking for air and finding water.

Rain is often known as soft water, oppositely known as hail.

Rain is saved up in cloud banks.

A blizzard is when it snows sideways.

A hurricane is a breeze of a bigly size.

Isotherms and isobars are even more important than their names sound.

Rainbows are just to look at, not to really understand.

Even Controllers have "those days." And many have a sense of humor too! This week's Short Final... is a tribute to the guys and gals that work the traffic. Overheard at O'Hare TRACON: During a heavy arrival push one evening, a VFR pilot (and O'Hare Tower controller) calls and requests sequencing stating, "I can land on anything and hold short of anything!" The supervisor after hearing the requests shouts, "Good, tell 'em to land on Pal-Waukee and hold short of O'Hare!"

It is excerpted from "Masquerade: The Amazing Camouflage Deceptions of World War II" by Seymour Reit (Signet, 1980): [One] enemy decoy, built in occupied Holland, led to a tale that has been told and retold ever since by veteran Allied pilots. The German "airfield," constructed with meticulous care, was made almost entirely of wood. There were wooden hangars, oil tanks, gun emplacements, trucks, and aircraft. The Germans took so long in building their wooden decoy that Allied photo experts had more than enough time to observe and report it. The day finally came when the decoy was finished, down to the last wooden plank. And early the following morning, a lone RAF plane crossed the Channel, came in low, circled the field once, and dropped a large wooden bomb.

A special thanks to our old friend, Jimmy Jay Johnson for the following story: An Airbus A300 crew arriving late into JFK was told their gate was occupied and to hold on the ramp until the airplane on their gate pushed back. Twenty minutes later the crew asked how much longer before that airplane would push back. Operations responded with, "We'll check on it and get back to you, please standby, we're busy up here." Twenty minutes later, Ops added, "That airplane will push as soon as they find the cockpit crew...the crew should be here any minute since they landed almost an hour ago." The waiting crew then asked, "What flight number is that going to be?" "Flight 547 to Dallas", snapped a busy and irritated voice. The crew replied, "We've found the crew for you...we're supposed to work that flight!"

We don't know if this is truth, fiction, or urban legend. And we don't care either, because it's an enjoyable story: Yorkshire police were jolted from their routine of traffic radar when they apparently began clocking a speeder at 300 mph. It proved to be no malfunction as a low-flying Harrier Jet screamed overhead a few seconds later. When Police officials registered a complaint with the Ministry of Defense about their damaged equipment, the MOD only replied that the damage could have been worse. Much worse. It seems the Harrier's defense systems had locked onto the radar and had gone into an automatic preemptive strike mode before the pilot decided enemy antiaircraft activity was unlikely along the motorways of northern England....

They're baaaaaack! More entries from our ever-popular "Squawk List":

Problem: Turn & slip indicator ball stuck in center during turns.

Solution: Congratulations. You just made your first coordinated turn!

Problem: Whining sound heard on engine shutdown.

Solution: Pilot removed from aircraft.

Problem: Pilot's clock inoperative.

Solution: Wound clock.

Problem: Autopilot tends to drop a wing when fuel imbalance reaches 500 pounds.

Solution: Flight manual limits maximum fuel imbalance to 300 pounds.

Problem: #2 ADF needle runs wild.

Solution: Caught and tamed #2 ADF needle.

We're not sure if this actually happened, but we thought we'd share it anyway... According to Reuters, the dazed crew of a Japanese trawler was plucked out of the Sea of Japan earlier this year clinging to the wreckage of their sunken ship. Their rescue was followed by immediate imprisonment once authorities questioned the sailors on their ship's loss. To a man they claimed that a cow, falling out of a clear blue sky, had struck the trawler amidships, shattering its hull and sinking the vessel within minutes. They remained in prison for several weeks, until the Russian Air Force reluctantly informed Japanese authorities that the crew of one of its cargo planes had apparently stolen a cow wandering at the edge of a Siberian airfield, forced the cow into the plane's hold and hastily taken off for home. Unprepared for live cargo, the Russian crew was ill-equipped to manage a frightened cow rampaging within the hold. To save the aircraft and themselves, they shoved the animal out of the cargo hold as they crossed the Sea of Japan at an altitude of 30,000 feet.

Some Boeing employees recently "liberated" a life raft from one of the 747s on the company's production line. Later, they took it for a float on the Stilliguamish river. Imagine their surprise when a Coast Guard helicopter "rescued" them after homing in on the emergency locator beacon that activated when the raft was inflated. Not surprisingly, they no longer work at Boeing.

April Fool fever seems to be running rampant this week. Our spies in the field turned up this (unverified) memo: "There appears to be some confusion over the new pilot role titles. This notice will hopefully clear up any misunderstandings. "The titles P1, P2 and Co-Pilot will now cease to have any meaning, within the BA operations manuals. They are to be replaced by Handling Pilot, Non-Handling Pilot, Handling Landing Pilot, Non-Handling Landing Pilot, Handling Non-Landing Pilot, and Non-Handling Non-Landing Pilot. "The Landing Pilot is initially the Handling Pilot and will handle the take-off and landing, except in role reversal when he is the Non- Handling Pilot for taxi, until the Handling Non-Landing Pilot hands the Handling to the Landing Pilot at eighty knots. "The Non-Landing (Non-Handling, since the Landing Pilot is handling) Pilot reads the checklist to the Handling Pilot until after the Before Descent Checklist completion, when the Handling Landing Pilot hands the handling to the Non-Handling Non-Landing Pilot who then becomes the Handling Non-Landing Pilot. "The Landing Pilot is the Non-Handling Pilot until the "decision altitude" call, when the Handling Non-Landing Pilot hands the handling to the Non-Handling Landing Pilot, unless the latter calls "go-around", in which case the Handling Non-Landing Pilot, continues handling and the Non-Handling Landing Pilot continues non-handling until the next call of "land" or "go-around", as appropriate. "In view of the recent confusion over these rules, it was deemed necessary to restate them clearly."

An oldie, but a cutie: During a cross country flight, a new private pilot began looking for an airport where he could refuel. As his fuel condition worsened, he added gas stations with suitable landing areas to his search list, and he finally spotted a gas station, right alongside a straight highway with remarkably few obstacles. As he taxied up to the pumps, old man in the rocking chair near the doorway seemed totally unaffected by the sight, and the young pilot finally had to ask: "I don't suppose you get many airplanes here at your station, do you?" "Naw," the old man said, gazing idly into the distance while he pumped. "I reckon most of 'em gas up over yonder," he continued, pointing, "at th' airport across th' highway."

A F-15 was escorting a C-141 into Tel Aviv during the war. The F-15 pilot said, "Bet you wish you could do this!" and moved way out front and did a nice barrel roll for all to see. A little later when the F-15 was back in position behind the C-141, the pilot said, "Bet you wish you could do this!" After several minutes the F-15 pilot finally radioed, "So?" The C-141 pilot replied, "I just went back to the lav and took my morning relief!"

The pilot of a small freight/mail plane was getting a little complacent in his phraseology, probably because of the rather dull routine of his late-night run. Every weekday at 0215 he would stop at a small airport and check in with: "Good morning Jones field, guess who?" The lone controller was bored too, but insisted on proper terminology and would lecture the pilot on proper radio technique every morning. The lessons fell on deaf ears and the pilot continued his daily "guess who?" callups. That is, until the morning the radio crackled: "Jones Field, guess who?" The controller, well prepared, turned off all the lights on the airport and responded "Jones Field, guess WHERE!"

A Mexican newspaper reports that bored Royal Air Force pilots stationed on the Falkland Islands have devised what they consider a marvelous new game. Noting that the local penguins are fascinated by airplanes, the pilots search out a beach where the birds are gathered and fly slowly along it at the water's edge. Perhaps ten thousand penguins turn their heads in unison watching the planes go by, and when the pilots turn around and fly back, the birds turn their heads in the opposite direction, like spectators at a slow-motion tennis match. Then, the paper reports, "The pilots fly out to sea and directly to the penguin colony and over fly it. Heads go up, up, up, and ten thousand penguins fall over gently onto their backs."

"They're multipurpose. Not only do they put the clips on, but they take them off." -Pratt & Whitney spokesperson explaining why the company charged the Air Force nearly $1000 for an ordinary pair of pliers xxx